Post Breakup

I’ve been on frequently, reading what all of you have to say, debating about whether I should keep blogging. I don’t know if I will or not, but for right now I have things to talk about.

Everyone keeps saying that this is the perfect time to find myself. I know who I am and I am damn proud of the person I’ve grown into. I’m straight forward, honest, forgiving, understanding, intelligent, compassionate, and well aware of my limitations. I don’t feel the need to ‘find’ myself, I say hello every morning when I look in the mirror. However, I do need to learn how to rely on myself again rather than a partner. Otherwise I’ll bounce from rebound to rebound and never get back up on my feet. I do tend to spiral down into that deep dark hole, not proud of it, but I’ve learned.

When your heartbroken, it’s easy to want to fill that void, but it’s healthier to let yourself feel hurt, to realize that it’s time to start putting back the pieces, and to be whole again before looking for love or hook ups. Take your time and take charge of your life, don’t let someone else control your actions by manipulating your emotions.

I’m proud of who I am and proud of the way I handle things.

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welcome to the end

I originally wrote this post as we were going through the process of talking everything out. I may have been a little ugly, but  unfortunately even in the revised version, Joshua and I are still ending our relationship. For those of you who are contemplating long distance relationships, this isn’t an example of why not to do them, but an example of a failing relationship. I have always been a monogamous serious type relationship person, but Joshua is free loving and noncommittal. The first time he cheated it was a double whammy, but there was remorse and regret in his eyes and posture, not because he had been caught but because he had hurt both of us. So I forgave him.

Long distance relationships are hard, they take a lot of work, but for a relationship already damaged it was damning. When I went to visit him this past weekend for my birthday, within four hours of being there I knew he had cheated again and that I wouldn’t be able to forgive him this time. We talked about it and we both agreed that now was a good time to end our relationship before it became bitter and tinged with regret. We allowed the relationship to end in a way that would be beneficial to the healing process, we won’t have doubts or questions, we won’t worry about if we let ‘the one’ go, we know that our relationship is over. It’s a hard decision to make, it’s hard to stand by it and do the right thing, and it’s even harder to say goodbye to someone you have spent the last year and a half with.

While I’m sharing, the reason I won’t worry about Joshua being the ‘one who got away’ is because there is a man out there who already holds that title. I would go to the ends of the earth for this man, and do just about anything. Are you familiar with the episode of How I Met Your Mother, where Ted talks about being on another persons hook, and who is on their hook? It keeps replaying in my mind every time I think about him, but here I am. It is time to be honest with both myself and you, I can’t maintain a healthy relationship because I let my one get away.

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A Little Bit of Everything and a Whole lot of Awesome

Hey there readers! It’s been a while since I’ve actually had time to share my own words, summer classes are a pain! Cue happy dance, I finished off the semester with a 4.0 GPA rounding off my total GPA up to a 3.03 being a transfer student is also a pain. Whether it’s fighting to bring your GPA up from 0.00 or actually graduating. I have 12 classes left and only 3 of them apply to my major, yay electives…not I just want to graduate. I graduated high school in 2009 aren’t I supposed to be graduating soon, isn’t that how a 4 year collage works? Only being one semester behind isn’t the end of the world, but then again it adds 7 months on to my long distance relationship.

Originally we planned on being long distance for a year and then I would move out there after graduating, but this is a serious kink in the plan. We now have 16 more months before I can graduate and put an end to being apart. Having to add on time caused us to reevaluate our relationship and if we are both capable of being apart for longer than we had planned. There was a lot of crying and a lot of misunderstanding, but eventually we decided that we are going to take one day at a time, keep working on our relationship, keep loving each other from a far, and if one day one of us decides we are no longer happy with this arrangement the other will understand as much as possible.

Doesn’t that kind of put a damper on things? It does, so I’m going to share my latest crazed idea! When I finally graduate, I want to get a tattoo to commemorate what I have been dedicating my life to for the past four years.

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Our ancestors recorded these sketches to record everyday life never realizing that one day they would be considered art. Cave paintings were the beginning to a long, torrid, and on going relationship between creativity and history. Whether it is considered momentous or meager, without this beginning I would continuously be searching for my niche in the world. It means something to me. After all these years of wanting a tattoo I have finally found something that has meaning and longevity.

To add to all this awesomeness, Joshua and I will be reunited for my birthday is next Friday! Dinner, movies, drinks, water parks, and lots of cuddles! This will be the first time that I can’t snoop and figure out what my presents are, which he is incredibly excited for, being surprised will be cool though…I suppose. One of the days he works I’m going to teach his mom how to make pizza from scratch and in return be able to use her kitchen to make my birthday cake! Lemon and blueberries! Hopefully it will turn out as pretty as I want it too, a girl only turns 23 once!

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Grapefruit Sorbet without an Ice Cream Machine

Friday afternoon I realized that I still had 4 grapefruits sitting on the counter, the weekend was the perfect time to play around with a new recipe, Grapefruit sorbet. It is soo much easier than you think!

2 cups grapefruit juice

1 cup sugar

1 cup water

1 tablespoon lemon juice

1 tablespoon vodka

1/4 tablespoon grapefruit zest

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Fresh is always better, so I juiced my four remaining grapefruit and was rewarded with 2 cups of juice!

Boil 1 cup of water with one cup of sugar, until the sugar dissolves and returns to a clear color. I added a little grapefruit zest, just because.

I added a tablespoon of lemon juice and a tablespoon of vodka to the grapefruit juice (alcohol doesn’t freeze, which helps the sorbet achieve a smoother texture). Don’t worry, you will not taste the alcohol at all.

Mix the simple syrup with the juice mix and let cool in the refrigerator

Once it has cooled down, switch it to the freezer for a couple of hours.

After a couple hours go by and your liquid sorbet has frozen up, put the mixture in a blender until it becomes smooth. Freeze and repeat. Freeze and repeat.

sorbet

It takes a while, so have patience! But once it is done, let it soften before serving, and enjoy!

Mine turned out to be kind of tart and slightly sweet, which is overwhelmingly perfect for my taste, but if you would like yours to be sweeter, you can increase the simple syrup.

For a little variation, try making it with mint or serving with Riesling

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Short but Sweet Second Visit

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Cookies and Coffee with my sweetie

After a very long month, Joshua and I were reunited…for two days, but that is better than nothing. This past Friday after work we met in the middle, checked into a hotel, ate Chinese food, and cuddle in our jammies while watching cheesy movies. This night was everything I could have possibly ever wanted it to be, it was a something out of a dream. Saturday was kind of busy, we checked out of the hotel and drove up to Gainesville since we were going to stay the night there with Joshua’s brother and we were all going to the Remembrance Ceremony for their cousin who died in a flying accident. The boys had never met him, but they wanted to go and support their other family members, and in turn the girlfriends to support them. This is where things get a little more interesting, especially since I’m competitive.

Sometimes I need to be reminded that I was very lucky to be raised by parents who loved each other and who loved my siblings and I the way they do. They motivated us to be active members of the community we live in, taught us the value of money and the time spent earning it, and they have always supported the goals we set for ourselves and respected the things we wanted to do with our lives. It’s unfortunate that not every child has parents that love their children this way. Zach’s girlfriend, Gen, she has parents that love her in a much different way than mine love me. They want to make the right decisions for her, and because of my upbringing that is very had for me to stomach, making it difficult for me to understand some of the decisions she makes for herself. Her way of asserting her independence is wearing caked on makeup, bleaching her hair blonde, wearing only the color turquoise, and partying with drugs and alcohol. Yeah, I get that she is young and this is a good time to make mistakes, but like I just said, sometimes I don’t understand the decisions she makes for herself, and in my dark twisted mind having a secret competition with her makes me feel better about my own faults. Which I can admit is a pretty bitchy move, especially since none of those things make her a bad person nor do I dislike her as a person.

To sweeten things up after my moment of ugliness, I had the best cookie of my life this weekend. A toffee caramel confection that no other cookie will ever be able to live up too. Back on topic, we ended Saturday night with Joshua  buying groceries for dinner and me cooking chicken and vegetable stir fry…yuummm! Afterwards we all planned to go see a movie, but Gen decided she wanted to go to a frat party instead, so with a kink in the plans, Joshua and I blew up the air mattress, tucked ourselves in, ate ice cream, and had another movie night, cuddled up together. Sunday morning we went to a really nice cafe, he drank espresso and I finally got the waffle I had been waiting for all weekend! This is where we said goodbye and headed to our respective houses with 7 hours in between us, as per usual I cried great big alligator tears half way home. Did I mention that Zach has a pet ferret? Smelly, conniving, theif!!! He stole my favorite pen! So it is safe to say that I don’t like ferrets and no matter how much Joshua begs for one in our ‘maybe’ future household, my answer will be no.

Our next visit will be next month for my birthday, we are going to spend the day at a water park (please Florida weather, let up on the rain!!!), have a nice dinner where I can order a nice filet of salmon and have dessert afterwards, and a couple surprises thanks to Joshua. I love surprises, I love being surprised, and I love figuring out surprises. Cue draw back of being in a long distance relationship, I can’t snoop and figure out what it is, sigghhh, but I can’t wait! From this point on, things should start happening pretty quickly though, my birthday, our one year anniversary, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Hanukkah,  New Years, Valentines day, Spring Break, Joshua’s Birthday, Graduation and an end to all of this long distance stuff! Well hopefully graduation, I need to go talk to my adviser and make sure I’m still on track, being a transfer student really complicates things.

That is still a lot of time left in our long distance relationship, 9 months, and lot of things could happen between now and then, but for now the plan is for Joshua to beast his internship at The Breakers and start working there full time and for me to graduate. Once those two really big things have been accomplished we are going to take a really big step in our relationship that includes packing up my entire life here and moving in with him there, finding a job, paying off my loans, and both of us going back to school. Recently we have been playing with the idea of moving out of the country for a couple years, and really experience life. Don’t worry marriage and kids is in the plan, sometime around thirty. We have a lot of life to live and there is no telling what will actually happen, but for now it’s nice to dream about what could happen.

On a side note, in light of all the stresses of working and going to school full time combined with the stresses of a long distance relationship and living on my own, I have turned to Dr. Pepper to keep me sane. For the first time in my life, I have a soda addiction. If that’s my biggest personal problem, then I guess I’m doing all right though!

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Roommate Toubles

Back in January my best friend and I moved in together, creating a nightmare living situation. I was and still am fine burning this bridge, maybe that makes me heartless, or maybe I’m tired of being put down. Because being accused of having autism, being taken advantage of, being told that all the information that I know pertaining to my major is wrong, that I’ll never find a job, having to sit in movie theaters by myself because my ‘friends’ won’t sit next to me, or that the reason I had cancer was because I was ‘promiscuous’. Yeah those are some awesome friends, who would ever want to end something like that?!

This weekend I hit my breaking point about the same time that the utility bill became late. My lovely roommate decided that she was going to go on vacation an hour away from the apartment and it was too big an inconvenience to drop the money off so I could pay it, but who’s fault is it? Mine. She is under the impression that she is too good to look at the bill pinned to the board in the kitchen, she needs to be told what it is and reminded what it is and when it is due. Get this, we were both out of town for a week during this bill cycle, but she had her brother stay at our place and he doubled our energy bill in a week. So when I asked her to pay that portion of it she replied with not unless your going to start paying more for us having to leave the air on during the day for Milo because he is not my dog. She is right, he is not her dog, but she knew what she was getting into when she signed that lease with me, we are a package deal. Looking back on it, she did ask that Joshua pay for the week he stayed with us, I didn’t put up a fight I agreed with her and paid it for him. Double standard?

Readers, if you are there, the utility bill is one day late and I’m fed up with cleaning up after her, reminding her that she has bills to pay, fighting for livable conditions for my dog, and dealing with her guest that slam doors in my face. What do I do? My dad wants me to move back home, void my lease and cancel the utilities. How much more do I put up with before taking his advice? 

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Random: Dora Maar and Lana Del Ray

 It dawned on me while listening rather loudly to music at work that Lana Del Ray’s Young and Beautiful, which was one of the songs for the Great Gatsby soundtrack, would also be perfect for discussing Dora and Picasso’s relationship.

Dora Maar is one of Picasso’s numerous mistresses, who has often described him as being her master rather than her lover. She was a successful painter and photographer before she met him, but at his request she gave both up. After their decade long relationship ended she began painting again, but their torrid love affair took its toll on her and Picasso joked that she either could turn to the straight jacket or religion to save her from her madness. For the remaining years of her life she was a devote Catholic and grew ever more reclusive, eventually dying alone. If you want to read a more complete story on Dora Maar, follow my other blog (Amateur Research) within the next couple weeks I’ll be posting what I’ve been working on and what has dragged me away from all of you on this blog.

Dora’s life mate was Picasso, he only loved her when she was young and beautiful, opting to end their relationship when the dynamics of it was no longer amusing to him. I don’t want to leave you with an incomplete picture though, so stay tuned!

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